Bereavement, Grief and Grieving by Reverend Akasha Lonsdale 

Bereavement and grieving is a roller coaster ride.  Although there are charted stages of grieving, in my own life experience and through my work in supporting the bereaved both as an Interfaith Minister and psychotherapist, the pattern of grief is a lot more variable.  It is also unique to the bereaved, depending on the circumstances.

They say that “time heals”, but I’m not sure it does.  What seems to happen is that the degree of pain lessens and the gaps between bouts of grief get longer – but again much depends on the circumstances.  For example, I don’t believe that any parent gets over the death of a child, they just learn to live life without that child – the gaps between pain might get longer, but the pain never really goes away.

Also, for those who lose a lifelong partner, the pain is usually very deep – which is why so often, the partner left behind, may also die within the following 2-4 years, if not sooner.  This is often the case, even when a couple didn’t necessarily get on that well – they were still two halves of the same coin.

What are the stages of grief?

* Numbness, disbelief and yearning

* Regrets and guilt

* Anger

* Intense sadness, depression and a desire the withdraw from the world

* Renewal and the return of more positive feelings

Let me take you through them one by one.

* Disbelief, numbness and yearning

Because we are all unique, bereavement causes different reactions in different people but one of the common reactions is that of shock.  This too can manifest in different ways.  I remember well the day I was told my mother had been killed in a hit-and-run accident.  I heard the words and I felt a sense of deep shock come over me – it was rather like an out of body experience, I was there and not there at the same time.  The next moment, I heard this loud, deep scream and realised that it was coming from me and that I had crumpled on the floor.  The next day or so were a complete haze of disbelief and numbness and I have heard very similar accounts from others who have lost loved ones in sudden and unexpected circumstances.  The scream is often called “the primal scream” because it comes from somewhere very deep inside.    

Whilst the reaction of someone who has lost a loved one who had been ill for a long time, might well be quieter, it still seems to result in the sense of numbness – especially if the bereaved has been the prime carer of the sick person.  Suddenly, not only have they lost their loved one but they have lost their purpose in life too.

Once the disbelief and numbness start to thaw, there is often a time of yearning for the deceased.  This can sometimes be accompanied by seeing or sensing that the loved one is nearby.  Some explanations are that this is psychological and linked to the shock, but as an Interfaith Minister I take heart in believing that it is an actual occurrence and I know that it often brings comfort to those who have that experience.

Interestingly, children often react in very different ways to adults.   Frequently, after being told of the death of a loved one, they will say things like “Can I go and play now?” or “What are we having for dinner?”  This of course doesn’t mean they don’t care, it is their way of dealing with shock and often they will then come back and ask all sorts of questions, which need to be answered honestly. 

Often adults will be reluctant to talk too openly about death with children – in my experience this is unhelpful because children have an incredible ability to understand, and sympathetic explanations combined with loving support really help their healing process. 

Sometimes children seem to process grief a lot more quickly than adults but it doesn’t mean that if they seem to be ok, they really are – they too are unique individuals.  It is very important to look for any signs that they might need additional support.  This can be difficult if you are also grieving, and there are no easy answers here. The best thing to do if you feel you are floundering, is to seek professional help, and with this in mind I have listed some organisations for you at the end of this article.  

Regrets and guilt

These are really tough areas to deal with.  Nearly everyone experiences some aspect of regret and guilt after the death of a loved one.  Whether it is feeling that there is something they should have said and didn’t; or that they should have visited/rung more often, it will take on far larger proportions in the early stages of grieving.

In my work, I have so often heard people say “if only” - which is why I always recommend that you think about such things, because generally none of us know when the moment of death might occur for ourselves or others. So if there is something you need to say or do, please do it now – before it might be too late. My grandmother always used to say “treat every parting as if it might be the last” and I believe these to be wise words indeed.

Guilt can also take the form of feeling guilty to be the one still alive.  I have heard survivors of the holocaust and terrorist attacks, talk of feeling guilty that they survived.  “Why me?” they ask.  Who really knows the answer to this?  What I do know is that frequently as part of the grieving process, those same people go on to do amazing things that usually involve helping others. 

Anger

Many people are uncomfortable with anger but as they begin to move through the grieving process, this is the emotion that is often at the forefront.  Anger that it happened; anger that they are alone; anger that the deceased didn’t do x, y or z or anger that they didn’t say whatever it was that needed saying at the time.  If the death is through suicide, the anger might be at the perceived selfishness of the deceased.  

However, it is worth remembering that underneath anger is pain and the bigger the anger, the bigger the pain.  Anger is our natural defence mechanism and it tends to be a very overt emotion, whereas pain is often more inward and can border on depression.

I always encourage the safe expression of anger – bashing the bed, screaming in the car etc – that way it is often moved through much quicker.  Again though, everyone is individual and will progress at their own pace.

Intense sadness, depression and a desire the withdraw from the world

As I mentioned above, anger is often the cover for pain and when the anger has subsided - sadness, depression and a desire to withdraw from the world can set in.  Sleeping might well be difficult and the desire to eat and look after yourself might decline too.  This stage of the grieving process is often one of the worst, because it tends to happen at some point after the funeral has taken place.

All the busyness is over, the paperwork is sorted, the sympathetic friends and relatives have gone and what follows are well meaning questions such as “I hope you’re feeling better now” or “how are you?”, often asked in a tone of hoping you are going to say “great!”.  Worst still of course, is if people just stay away because they don’t know what to say or how to be with you. 

This happened recently to a widow whose husband died after their 55 year marriage.  Local friends just didn’t seem to know what to say, so they sent a card and kept their distance – just at the time she really needed them. It can be difficult knowing what to say, but sometimes just saying that is enough!  “I don’t really know what to say but I wanted to know that I’m thinking of you and if you need anything, just let me know.  Would it be alright if I came round for a cup of tea one day?”  Alternatively, you could offer some practical help, such as shopping for food or cooking a meal.  Something is better than nothing.

Renewal and the return of more positive feelings

How long this takes is truly individual.  Professionals say that the minimum period of grieving is between one and two years, but as I said earlier, this very much depends on the individual and the circumstances – it can be a lifetime.  However, there does come a time where some sort of normality and rhythm of daily life starts to kick in – perhaps accompanied by the desire to eat a bit more; maybe an improved sleeping pattern or wanting to go out with friends again.  It can feel like the passing of a bad winter and the approach of spring – a slightly lighter feeling with a bit more hope for what lies ahead. 

Feeling more positive and optimistic might take longer.

Finally……

All of the above are the “suggested stages” but as I said in my opening comments, bereavement and grieving is a rollercoaster ride and these stages may well not come in the order listed at all.  All I can say is that they will probably all come at some point.

You may find that you have times; a day; an hour; a week … where you suddenly feel fine.  In fact you might even find yourself laughing and enjoying life one moment and in floods of tears the next. My advice is: “where you can, go with the rollercoaster”.  The more you block emotions, the longer the process takes.

Often when I go to see a bereaved family to talk about the funeral service, they will say to me “I’m sorry but I might cry”.  My reply is always - “Why wouldn’t you?”  We have such a hang up in the UK about expressing emotion – “the stiff upper lip”. This is truly a barrier to healing.  My belief, which is borne out by what I witness in my clients is that “every tear heals”.

I truly hope that this article will help in some way and here as promised are details of some of the professional organisations that can help.

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

Cruse Bereavement Care exists to promote the well-being of bereaved people and to enable anyone bereaved by death to understand their grief and cope with their loss. Services are free to bereaved people. The organisation provides support and offers information, advice, education and training services.

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/helping_young_people.html

http://bacp.co.uk/

This is the website of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, where you can find a qualified therapist. 

http://www.mind.org.uk/

Mind is the leading mental health charity in England and Wales.

Article copyright:Rev. Akasha Lonsdale, Interfaith Minister. 2009